looking back and forth

It's about 9:30 tonight, and I'm sittin here listening to an interview. I'm right in the middle of painting -again these are jobs, not my stuff- and I'm really just looking at the day and how things might go tomorrow. See tomorrow I've gotta go have a meeting with a backer, who just so happens to be the money for the Cuervo Art Gallery. You know I don't know how things might go, I think I'd like to see me walking away with my own gallery or something close to it. Initially I'm thinking he just wants to get a feel for what I know about running a gallery. So either way its a no lose situation. I've also gotta meet with my writer for the long awaited "Annihilation Jones", so that's kind of cool.

There's a lot of things that I really haven't gotten into that are sitting on my table, and most of you guys know why. You know a lot of what I do is really purely driven not on hate or anything like that. Its more built on confidence. Having that, its like this huge tower of confidence and cockiness and just really this pureness that nothing is gonna tear you down. Having that ripped away from you is really this thing that puts you in this way where you can't really function. How do you get that back? seriously, think about it. You know I had this cat come in I've done some work for him before, and he's like dude you gotta do this nude or do this piece; and then I got this new hire "Lavi" that she's like I'm gonna ask you why haven't you painted or are you gonna paint today. Stuff like that, more of like what Lavi is doing is, what I think might do it, you know. There's that interest in what you're doing that you don't want to disappoint people.

Like I said earlier...I said some things yesterday, and I'm not so sorry I said them because its a messed up thing. A lot of people's perception of me is that I'm this calculating person that doesn't let people get close at all. I don't care who says it or how many times people say it. There has never been a person to really, really, really make me feel and make this pain in my chest come and go more than Dora. You know I got feelings for this girl....its no big secret. NO BIG SECRET AT ALL!!!! But again that confidence thing got ripped from me, and she had a lot to do with it. The situation, the friendship being gone.....to where we (or she will barely look at me). Hey man the point is I love the girl, truly true blue. If she needs me I'll be there but it'd be really nice if she eased up a bit with the ignoring or not looking or talking to me. There are few people in this world who are gonna stick by you whether you are right or wrong. I don't think I would ever leave her side really. You don't go through these types of things and take things away from it. Should I ever let anybody get close to me? I don't know. Again it would be nice to get a line tonight or some night just saying some stupid stuff and ending with good night and sweet dreams. Especially cause for the last week and half I've dreamt about her every night. So Sweet Dreams Girlie. Wish me luck tomorrow.