Alone

Just for the record....I 've never understood it. I don't fit in, where places i should I've never fit in. Church, people, relationships, whatever. My grandfather is tired and its his time, my dad is tired. I can't stop time. It hurts but I can't. My grandparents helped raise me as much as my parents. I love them both so much.....that I can't stop crying. My girlfriend left because I don't fit in. She can't understand that I'm trying to go in the back door of trying to fit in in her culture. I've never had an honest relationship and the the only time I have it was enough to hurt for a while. Now that I want one again it almost seems impossible. I don't fit in. Will I go to church tomorrow? Yes. I have to try. try to fit in her world, to her it seems impossible....I don't know that word. I always beat it. I'm hurt.............and all I want is someone who cares just to be right there to hold. She won't show tonight and neither will anyone else. Maybe the reason I hold myself the way I do is so no one can get close enough to hurt me. It makes sense. If I've damned myself its enough to know that i did for those who are around me. At least when it's all over they can rest easy, I'll take on whatever they have whatever burden or sin. It's my job to take care of the ones I care about. The ones that can get close enough to hurt me are the ones I hold closest to my heart.