church and state

So I went this morning to church, and enjoyed myself. There were different points that I could relate to and shared them with Dora after (I wasn't expecting her call). You know its turned into me wanting this relationship honest so that way she's not put on the spot about who I am, to me finding my own way. I think I've visited a couple of places already and they all have their differences. With everything that's going on and her feeling she can't let me or share her world, I think its really gone to the level of between me and God kind of thing. I'm notorious for pushing things and I've come into a wall. The paintings people still order,but they've lost something. Not just the paintings but general things and important things like my relationship. I can't keep going the way I am and expect to be an honest relationship with Dora or push my paintings and my status as an artist,if I can't make some kind of commitment to God.

I figure (and this is something Dora and I spoke about) if God wants us to be together he'll show us. As crazy as that sounds, I've done even crazier. Religion is big in her family and to her, I can't expect a relationship with someone like that if I backhand and do the opposite. Paintings and myself---something or somewhere I lost this fire that I had. It shows in the work I do, if I asked someone you could tell there is a difference. I see it at least. So I'll pray,I'll go to church, get involved(somehow)....if its something that I believe is true. She won't have to lie and neither will I. If he sees that I'm true about what I'm doing, I believe I'll be rewarded. Like I said I never expected her to call, I'm glad she did...but I'm not done with myself and I need her to be there when I need her, maybe wait for me....but when I think I'm ready I'll come to her. You know what's funny is that I'm looking at places that aren't just on Sunday. So that deals with the church and state of myself.